... learning

that nothing is changing. nothing has changed except maybe my way of looking at things.  It's funny because the last time we met up in August, I didn't feel icky about it because for some reason the whole thing seemed like a genuine possibility.  But now, since I know the truth that it will never be, if we ever met up, it'd be just sleazy.  He says he doesnt want to because it'd be very hard to see me.  part of me believes that but i'm beginning to think it's shit.

he was such a different person way back... sweet, caring, loving.. thoughtful.  now, sure he still thinks of me but not like before... there are no weekend texts, no more than 1 call a week... i always have to text him first.  the responses have been slower.

yet with knowing all of this, i still text and can't wait to talk.

such lack of self respect...

i need to walk away.  i've told myself this plenty of times... that if he wanted me in his life i'd be there. 

he probably wouldn't even notice.

but this is just not fun anymore.  it's not my goal in life to make his day good or him smile when it truly does nothing for me anymore.

i loved him ... i did.  but who he is now, is not for me.

Alright - I know I think way too much but there never seems to be enough time to talk about anything anymore, even though we text off/on all day, with a couple of calls a week, our conversations are usually about a whole bunch of random stuff.  I've been thinking of a lot of different things lately, though, and I've gotta tell you... Okay...

I look forward to talking to you and I think it's safe to say we both love it because we smile and it feels what normal is with us.  This is definitely not a normal friendship, though - and you know what I mean, and in a lot of ways it feels like we've been a part of eachothers lives forever -- you know me better than most.  I don't know if we can have a normal friendship.  I honestly don't know what it's like anymore to not have you in my day-to-day life.  But that said, it's a reality that's gonna happen, as much as we don't want it to, and how many times we've said what we want to happen and what should happen are two separate things... I'm realizing this reality and I fucking hate it.

I've said how much I'd love to see you again, but the reality for me is having to say goodbye to your handsome face in person, the one that means so much to me, for possibly the last time is not a reality I can deal with.  I don't think I could ever look at your face and say the words goodbye to you - can you?  It's almost easier to think that the last time I saw you was the last time I'd ever see you again, although that makes me really sad. 

I don't want you out of my life, but I feel like I'm grasping onto something that I can't have and what I wish I could have from you is something you just can't give me.  And it sucks.  What's the best thing for you and I?  I know we care a lot about eachother but you're right, I am gonna get hurt again because I am attached to you -- and as much as you won't admit it to yourself, you are attached to me, too. I know you care too much for me to hurt me, and I care too much for you to let you see it but it's gonna happen and I don't want my little heart hurting.  What do you think we should do here -- can you let me know your thoughts?

Eh

This is what I'm thinking of:

When do I never NOT say what I want to say or how I'm feeling...? I know you say I think too much - and I know I do, but right at this particular moment, you are on my mind. I just wanna go on record and say that, although I'm glad we still chat by text day-to-day, I am still missing you from my daily life.  We went from talking by phone nearly every day to once a week... It's completely different now -- and I know it's the way you want it to be, although I don't.  We've gone from actually being a part of eachothers lives to talking about your cock and my tits with a chat here and there.

I know we still matter to eachother -- but not even being a part of daily life, you aren't in my "normal" life and I'm not in yours,...

lightbulb

... it just went off in my head.  i re-read each and every post from this past year and CLEARLY this was more to me than him.

CLEARLY.

I got way to attached WAY too quickly.  He clearly meant more to me that me to him.  Period and end of story.  I do believe he cared a lot about me in the beginning ... But I think he got carried away with how fun it was in the beginning.

I'm done.  I will not text today.  I will walk away.  I have no choice and must find my dignity again.

11.14.12

it's been a whirlwind month -- i don't even know where any of it left off -- we've been babystepping back to a friendship that i have no idea what it is... he apologized for how he told me he had set a date -- it wasn't even the content of it that i was upset about. it was how he said it. i know he didn't mean to hurt me and i believe it. 

so the past 3 weeks have been normal texting as always - with one difference - no pix from him. he says it's becaause he can't. and on the phone the other day he said he ws proving me wrong because i said i'd give him 3 weeks before he'd start again... but still nothing.

there's a part of me that thinks he found a sucker in me -- reeled me in, through out the ily phrase...his fun little fantasy became a bit reality when i got here and then *bam* he got caught ... but did he.  Really?  I wonder -- bec if I HAD GOTTEN CAUGHT, hubby wouldn't allow me to be friends with this guy on f/b anymore. 

i do overthink things, but it's weird and makes no sense...

thoughts of most of my friends on this --

k - fuck him and go -- literally
lin - never speak to him again
d - stay away - he's a douchebage
lau- let it go - move on.
tra - fuck him and go -- should have listened to her

i'd love to meet up one more time with him.  but i think it's insane to do it. insane to want to do it.  he says i still matter to him... but his life is getting back to normal.  whatever that is.

i need to learn to NOT TEXT HIM ANYMORE.  again.

more later.

well it's done

he chose to tell me he and the fiance set a wedding date through text last thursday.  I couldn't breath i was so hurt.  he knew for 17 days and didn't tell me and chose to tell me by text.

coming back from the cruise everythign seemed fine with us -- back to the way it was with pix and texts and all.. wanted to meet up the very week he was back. when we couldn't i said i was disappointed and he sent a full-body pic to make up for it... shit like that.

and he fucking knew.  the whole time.  then he tried the week after.  and he knew the whole fucking time.

crushed.  we've talked sporadically since. not by phone.  life goes on i guess.

i've learned he was a drug to me and talking/texting was my fix .. same for him.  he's been completely distant.  joked a couple of times but distant now.  why would i even want to communicate with someone furtehr who clearly has that little respect for me... a text?

he admitted to being a pussy and didn't want to hurt me.  but i am. not because of what he said but how he said it... text.  wtf.

i thought he was forever for me -- i thought he'd be in my lfie forever.  but not to be.

he hasn't texted at all today.  and that's okay. nothing i can do about it. but i won't ever text again.

I NEED TO HEAL.

i swear i thought he was forever.

Hmmmm

So literally yesterday after texting all day I get a text from him saying he may have time tomorrow night to meet up...  unfortunatly we couldn't but -- how did that vacation go?  You wouldn't be meeting up with me, right?

Also his first day back, called at 2:35 and we talked the entire time.

I'd say he missed me...

I love him so.

barely breathing...

but going to make it -- we've texted a little since he got back today -- he's busy, I get it.

I missed him a lot but he says he was so busy the entire time he had no time to miss anything or anyone... honestly.  a bit snarky but point taken.

IDK -- I love him but I don't know if our time is now.  I know it isn't.  He better not fucking marry her.  I'll die.

I'll keep you posted...

Computer is dead

7

Just sad today. That is all.

Feelign insecure. Still.

Please don't make this end.  Or have this over.  OMG...  Why am I being so insecure...??

I have to have him in my life.  That psychic has to be right.

He's having the time of his life and I'm just devastated here.  Lonely and sad.

Day's 5 and 6

I feel like a sinking ship... there was one check in yesterday in St. Thomas.  He was with her and 2 other girls.. probably others too, but.  Still...  I was actually a little hopeful if he would text but nadda.

Reception is horrible there -- I get it.

So trying to keep all the negative shit outa my head... but seriously what am I gonna do if he doesn't ever want to talk to me again or keep this, whatever it is, going.

I will be devastated.  Plain and simple.

Day 4

Yup, collectively it sucked...  my phone was SOOO quiet today.  Missed my a.m. texting... missed pix.

*sigh

I hope he's having a good time -- but I hope he's missing me.  I wish he could have just admitted it.  Was he being funny/snarky or was he really not going to miss me, I wonder.

I love this guy and I hope he loves me too... We just have to end up together.  I feel like my left arm is cut off.

Day 3

This is FUCKING endless.  I'm not gonna lie.  7 days left 'til he's back in the same state as me ... 8 'til we talk again...

I go back/forth with the worrying/wondering if things will change between us since we've had no contact for 10 days.  I hate that insecurity.  He's having a blast and likely thinking nothing about me.  At all.  Why should I make this my obsession.  There will be nothing I can do one way or the other anyhow...

Off to the mountains with my girl... more later.

Seriously this is fucked up -- I was drawn to the psychic/clarity reader today at this bhuddist shop ... well, she did a reading on me and actually said mostly everything about b that is true ... not much that I didn't know.. but weird and eerie that I hear it from a stranger.  She said he is my soulmate and I have to agree. I'm weirded out by it but intrigued just the same.

Had a great day with Bella - we got another thing for the deck -- love it... it dangles and has bells.

I do hope he is thinking of me.  I miss him...

And, onto Day #4.  Would love to hear from him.

Day 2

*sigh ... that is all.  It's his birthday and I found a couple of cute posts to put on my f/b page, hoping he would check them.  I have no idea if he did or not, but he was online thanking everyone for the b/d wishes and that he'd check back in on Thursday.  I'm lost.  Just lost...

I'm hopeful that the post was to me or directed to me -- I think it might have been? 

This is going to be the longest fucking week ever.

I feel like it's been forever... and it's only day #2.

What am I gonna do if when he comes home, he wants nothing to do with me anymore other than friends.  I will just die.

Only 3 pix posted yesterday by her -- none with them together -- just him walking with his friend and 2 of him in the pool alone.

I can't imagine what I will do if it's done for  us.  I miss him and I hope he misses me.

Day 1

Okay, so this is probably really stupid... but it's day 1 of him being gone.  This has been a plan for a year, long before me... and he's excited to go away with 13 of his friends ... and yes, she's going.  GAH.

We've never NOT talked for more than a few days... I mean NO CONTACT AT ALL by text or phone.  This is going to be very hard for me -- doubtful for him since he'll be so busy.

This past week was good -- I did the 3 things for 3 days, well 4 the last, so a total of 10 things that I like about him -- he thought they were VERY CUTE ... also did something really funny and took a pic of it for his birthday ...  so funny.  He thought I was a nut. =) I'm thinking I went out with a thoughtful bang for sure and that makes me smile.

He's en route to FLA today -- and the forecast is RAIN RAIN RAIN.  I do hope he has good weather.  And I won't lie, I do hope he'll text me at some point but not holding out for it.  Maybe he'll get drunk and snap a pic.

Funny we rarely text on the weekends -- only really if he's working.  But this past weekend he texted me for nearly 3 hours on Sat .. def buzzed, but I didn't mind...  And we talked on the phone 3x this week, which is A LOT for us since 4th of July ... He even called when he was waiting for his friend to come out and get a ride.  Trust me when I say this was different.

I hope he doesn't forget me while being away.  It's easy not to forget something or someone when you're the one left behind.

So... hoping to post through these 10 days -- He's back on the 30th.

4.  Your laugh- I like that I can make you laugh - either with me or at me.  It doesn't matter. You sound silly and goofy and that makes me feel really good when i hear it.
5.  You're pretty smahhat-Yeah, yeah, yeah -- I admit it and you challenge my way of thinking and that's pretty good and rare.  Not many people do.
6. Your ability to drive me up a wall - it's become sport to you and you're good at it.  I act annoyed but I secretly love it ...

6.  Your eyes-You have the most beautiful green eyes that I've ever seen.  And I like the way I feel when you are looking at me. 
8. The obvious- yes I had to go there.  Your cock is amazing and soft and delicious and I like to look at it daily - I'd like to touch it daily ... your lips - yep, you're a good kisser and I like it when we do. your hands feel amazing when they are on me.
9. Your middle name -  you lost that about a day or two into this whole thing. I had no idea that 25 years later you'd be so important to me... and the fact that you knew this, is pretty damned cocky or amazing, depending on the day.
10.  Favorite person - you have quickly become it.  I look forward to talking with you, by text or voice, daily.  You brighten my day/world.  Knowing this makes me feel really good and happy and you are incredibly special to me.

rollercoaster

the last week or 2 have been a rollercoaster with this sht.   still texting every day -- still sending pics back and forth...

last week he dropped a bomb on me and asked me if i wanted to meet up with him.  um, really?  i've been wanting that for a month and we decided it was a BAD idea because of what would happen... he's scared/i'm scared. but we both want to.

had hoped for this past saturday but his fiance was not working.  i was def disappointed...

i really want to meet up with him this week... he's worried about getting too attached but in reality he should be worried about himself, too.  we know this is powerful and wanted and meant to be..  he's worried that sex will complicate it more.  i agree but it's already complicated..

i tossed/turned all night wondering/worrying that he's not gonna want to continue this again.  it's like a viscious cycle, or a meeting with jesus or something.  after a weekend at home, sometimes he pushes me away somewhat...  and i hate that.

the fiance keeps pissing on him publicly.  on her f/b page she's changed all her pics to them --  his is him only.

on my birthday, he sent me a really sweet text REALLY early... Happy Birthday, beautiful. Have a great day :-*

Talked off/on all day and called at the end of it.  Def made me smile..

So this a.m. I'm gonna text something like this:

Hey =) Thinking about you over the weekend esp. after you sent me those pix on friday, my mouth still wants a playdate with your beautiful cock for a while and my boobs are wanting your hands on 'em. Can you get free for a bit after work one day?

Yes, I'm a whore.  Sorry...  lol 

** oh and ps... we did meet up on the 29th.  And had an AMAZING time... kissed a lot - talked... and more.  Nope, still no sex.  But it was amazing.  He was supposed to be out of there in an hour or so but we stayed for nearly 2.   <3 so much

8/14/12

Well, yesterday was fine.. normal. we texted about the concert and him running into hubby... off and on all day.  He called at the end and we talked more.  I miss him and I miss him in my daily life but something tells me it's slipping away.  I don't know why.  I really, truly, felt like he'd be in my future and for the most part I still do... but friends don't dirty text... friends don't call friend's boobs "lovely".

I actually went to sleep thinking of him as always and dreamt of him... and wondered what it would be like.  I told him that this morning and haven't heard back.  Either avoidance or avoidance, really.

I don't know what to do/think about it.  I just love him so much...  but I don't see it right now.  I'm sure he feels the same about that...  I wish he wouldn't marry her -- he always said he wouldn't be I get the feeling it's coming.  And that'll be the end of it.

Anyhow...

8/13/12

I don't know what to think... we texted back/forth on Saturday and it was fine... I asked him if he wanted
a pic and he said NO.  Not NO THANK YOU ... or MAYBE LATER.  Just no.  I felt awkward and stupid and I hated the feeling.  It was strange after that...  I mean when HE wants a pic or is feeling frisky, it's okay.  But when I offer one?  And you make me feel that way?

I've come to the conclusion that he's just not the same person.  at all.  I fell in love with someone who clearly isn't there anymore and I'm not so sure I matter that much to anymore.  At one time, he was doting and caring and loving -- read back in this blog.

He's turned into this hot/cold person who I don't know - and is keeping me holding on by threads.  I've got this man at home who loves me to pieces -- yes, I'm married.  Surprise.  But I'm not in love with him and I have no idea how to get that back. 

I wonder what the lesson is I am to learn from this.  I honestly thought he was the one.  I really did...  How do you go from being clearly in love and all to this.  I guess when it's over.

My husband ran into him at a concert and he knows who my hubby is... hubby said he said hello and he barely acknowledged him and was SHITFACED.  I think that's how he spends most of his time now.  And that's gross.

Today I wish he had never come into my life...

I need to let go.

further to this... i don't know why he still matters so much to me.  it's weird.  i mean it feels different deffinitly now, but...

i so hope he texts me back...

please don't be a dick.


He actually had texted at 7:16 and wanted all pix.  I sent them.  I am a dumbass....

Hoping/praying this is the start of something.  There's not much I wouldn't do for him.

-----------------------

Had a good day of texting with him.  I'm starting with the obsession thing again, though.  And that scares me.

He sent 3 pix yesterday and a video ... smoking hot.  Flirting...

I sent 3 better ones this a.m. ... I have no idea where this is going.  But from going from situations like this
to him getting caught and nothing but phonecalls... to hardly any phonecalls but texts and back to pix again.

Is he fucking with me, universe???

He told me he loves me, to my face, and I believe it.  I know he still does... do you think he's leading me on?

It'd be a shame if nothing came out of this after finding eachother after all of these years...

Wonder what he'll think of the pix.

Really ...  so we've been texting almost every day... pix are being sent again.  he told me he wanted 3
from me and was specific...  I texted him this am and asked which he wanted first.  That was at 6:16 this
am. nothing back.  i know i'm paranoid.  i know i'm reading way too much into this.  but on the other
hand, i know he loves me and cares about me.

really, though, if he cared that much about me, he wouldn't be playing this game... back/forth every other
day. 

i wonder what i'll do if i don't hear from him all day... i certainly won't text him again.  promise.

Still trying to wrap my head around the fact this is done.  but still hanging on - he still calls at least 3x a week -- but  i'm always still texting... and i have to stop.

it's clear things are completely different.  and i hate it.

i have to let go. i have to get past it all and get strong but i don't know how to because i love him.

i texted him that personal life was ugly, at the end of our texting on monday. no response.  made me feel really awful.  not even a sorry...

7/9/12

So I sent that email to him ... we chatted on/off on Thurs  and Friday through the day -- had a great
convo on Thurs... no weirdness at all...  I miss him. 

But, that said, it's still weird.  I hate to even say this because if I say it, it becomes out there and potentially real... but I do wonder if it's just completely done.  I mean, clearly if he wanted me in his life, I would be.  Something is different and has been for some time.  And I don't know what it is... maybe it's me. 

I truly think/thought there was/is something there/here.  I know we are back in eachother's lives for a reason... and I feel sad and lost.  But with nothing I can do about it, what can I do?

He needs to miss me and I need to not text him... and I need to stay off facebook to make him at the very least wonder.

I hope he misses me.

Will blog more... I need to, to get through this.

It's been really weird not having you to talk to every day - or nearly.  Although I know it's the best thing, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of you often and miss you.  The adjustment has been huge and honestly, I don't know if I can or want to get used to it - but again, it's the way it should be - I guess.  The loss of having you in my day-to-day life, however small, has been huge.
About the last conversation we had, I know the way I said things might have been harsh, although mostly truthful.  Literally was in a bar at the airport. I was frazzled and upset and likely came off like I was yelling. I wasn't. After getting off the phone with you,  the reality of the loss of you was huge and I didn't expect to cry, but I did.

I agree with you about the "need" to talk to you everyday - unexplained but it just had to be.  It was "normal".  I also agree we were put back into eachothers lives for a reason - what that is, I don't know.  But having you back in my life is the best.  Whatever this thing between us is/was, I can honestly say, without a doubt, I fell in love with you - I never would have told you first though.  We have a connection that I've never had with anyone else and doubtful I will again.  I got closer to you in 5 months than mostly anyone, ever.  And 5 months felt like a lifetime - that you had always been in my life...  

That said, I still can't imagine you not in my life -- a year from now or 5 years from now. And I don't know what to say or do about that other than tell you I miss you - I miss sharing stupid and silly things with you, talking about anything and everything with you, hearing you laugh, turning red ... just hearing your voice.  And it sucks that it should be this way.  You said what you want to happen and what should happen are two different things and I agree and I wish I could get what I want.

I hope we can talk today.

5/28/12

... so it's pretty much done.  at least from what i can see.  his g/f saw his phone... and put the kabosh on it all.  understandably.  he still wants to talk everyday but really?  so hard for me.  said he still loves me.  this is so fucked up.

i'm all done with feeling like shit.  all done with feeling icky.  i wish so much it could have worked out but he seems to not want anything... can't text anymore... nothing even from work.  happy to be focusing on his job.  still going on with his life. 


anyhow...  i'll be okay.  even if i still love him, too.

5/7

Yup -- here I am.  In NC.  It's been a wild ride... staying 1/2 way at my mothers.

I'm exhausted and numb... sad/happy/tired/lonely/excited... you name it.  I've talked to him several times -- once by phone on Saturday -- was in the mtns with his buddies...drinking.  really funny convo. Sunday texted a few times back/forth... when I said I was here he said "welcome home".

We're supposed to be getting together tomorrow.  I so hope we still are.  IDK why it would change but I'm so nervous about everything that nothing will surprise me ever.

Saved comments from old phone

3/31 ... i try... lol... was looking at ur profile pic last night n smiling... thinking i was pretty lucky
I CHECK OUT UR PICS FROM TIME TO TIME (DAILY, MAYBE) AND SMILE.. SO HANDSOME AND BACK IN MY LIFE... SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

WELL GOOD. IM GLAD AND I MEAN IT. I HOPE U R HAPPY. I AM TOO
absolutely
I HOPE I BRIGHTENED UR MORNING TOO
always

4/2 I know... have i told ur beautiful yet.
AWWW... NO! <3 THAT JUST GOT U A KISS!!


4/2 close ur eyes and listen ... im in there
muah... gnite

4/6 :-) :-*

4/7 ntb... good morning... thinking abt you
:-*

4/9 so ... just hurry the hell up... would ya?? lol... have a good first flight...

4/11 Mornin' sweety... how r u?
DID I KNOW I'M GONNA MISS U
them im not alone

4/12 hey sweety... how u doin' (in my joey tribianni voice)
nope counted on it.

4/15 i don't think i could kiss you any other way but passionately
THAT I LOVE U
and i love you .... guess that makes me 2nd
awww blushing :-*

4/16 did u call me honey???? ... awww that's "SWEET" lol... good morning :-*
i ain't goin nowhere.... :-*
g'nite sweety ... MUAH!!!!

4/17 wanna say gnite... :-*

4/19 i would assume... theya re  "just so damn lickable"

4/22 LETTER TO HIM COVERED EARLIER
good morning... everything is fine... honest... and i meant it when i said it... been real busy at work. that's all.  we've become close again i'm happy about that. love talking to you. don't stress. my weekends are always full.

4/23 i'll try to make it up to you (about missing party)
4/24 :-*
4/25 Gnite sweety

4/28 thankx. i did. miss u
thinkin of u... work tomorrow :-*

4/29 good ... :-* backatcha
4/30 nite nite :-*

5/1 --- kissing u is on the to do list.
DORK ACTUALLY JUST LAUGHED OUT LOUD.

4/30

Things are fine ... thinking too much lately as always.  Nothing big... just said I loved him earlier today because he had a shitty morning and he hasn't said it back.  But did send me smiles and a =-* so.  Reading too much into shit, for sure.  He's hungover, tired, hurting and busted his prop on his boat.  I know I'm being rediculous and felt so after he wrote back, joking I hope, that I needed to chillax.  Gah.

I'm here for 4 more days and am freaking out about that.  Holy shit.  My life is going to be COMPLETELY different exactly one week from now.

I'm trying hard not to have any expectations about all of this... trying to stay chill and keep my head above water.  But it's impossible to when so much is up in the air.  I literaly can't handle another thing.

He asked me if I was nervous or excited this a.m.  I'm both.  I'm everything but mostly am excited to ge this chapter of my life started.

I so hope he's in it.

==================================================

Things are fine.  We chatted on/off through the day... called and had a great convo. as always.  this was about the scientific part of religion and death... i said, this is getting grim... and we need to change the subject and he was like we talk about everything under the sun... talked for nearly 25 min this time... and got a nice pic at 345.

Talked about how hard it would be to leave Bella and he agreed... about me being stressed... and everything. Great convo I think.

I have no idea what will happen between us but I'm excited and hopeful.

4/29

Things are fine... got a few texts yesterday with MISS YOU .. kiss... etc.  Talked today .. he so missed me.  texted ... wanted to know if he could call.  Def. keeping on his toes. 

I so love him and am so hopeful to how things will work out between us... one week and I'll be there.  Good God.

4/28

... and here it is another Saturday where I'm freaked the fuck out.  Again.  Nothing has happened... nothing is wrong at all.  He worked a 1/2 day yesterday so he could go to his NASCAR riding thingy that afternoon/night and then see his favorite band that night ... planned to get effed up and then today was boat/cookout at a friends house... Knowing I won't hear from him, I'm still hopeful.  We talked yesterday and all was fine...

I think I hit it on the head when I just thought of this.  I'm expecting too much.  Way too much and losing focus on what is important.  This was/is supposed to be light and fun and easy... and it's becomming and obsession to me that I can't get past.  Like I'm EXPECTING him to see me often when I'm down there -- not really, but maybe a little.  I'm EXPECTING him to text and call me all the time -- to show up at the house.  To make plans for us to do things.  To go camping... etc.  And all of it is completely unrealistic.  All of it.

I don't know waht his intentions are but I have to reign this thing in... I'm hurting and getting more and more hurt as the time/days go by... not by anything he's doing or saying but just because of how my head is working.

I have 7 more days here.  This time next week, I'm leaving.  And I'm really REALLY scared about it.  And nervous and excited... my head hurts.  And it doesn't help that I went out last night and got hammered.  At all.

God... Help me to keep my head above water today -- help me to stay focused on what matters most.  Help me to realize that things will happen when/if they are supposed to and there is nothing I can do about it...

4/23

Well, he responded... and everything is fine.  He's busy, life is busy and feels the exact same way about me.. meant it when he said it too, is what he said.  I've gotta learn to just chill and go with it.  I'm actually quite good today...and quite happy about that.  We've texted off/on all morning and it's been flirty and fun.  I juust love him so.

I'm so happy he didn't leave with the out I gave him.

Got 2 nice pics yest and 2 nice pics this a.m. ... damn oh damn.  <3

Said he would try to make it up to make it up to me that he couldn't come to my party... lol

4/22

Can't sleep ... it's 5 a.m. There is so much on my mind right now.  I'm fucking stressed to no end -- hubby and I can see no better for us at this point... had a great convo with my friend Dor. last night -- I need to get my head clear and the only way I can do it is by talking to him.  This is what I want to say:

I've been tossing/turning for the past 2 hours and I've gotta talk to you ... I'm hoping you are okay -- talking to you daily, I know things have been sucky for you at work, but lately I can't help but wonder if us texting/talking is too much of a distraction for you.  I like my life better having you in it, and I hope you feel the same but something is off and I can't put my finger on it, or tell if it's just me.  I really need to know though, if I'm just being weird or my intuition is right about that.  I meant it when I said I loved ... I do.  You are very important to me, and I care a lot about you and I don't want to lose you even as a friend, but I also don't want you stay if you don't want to and are just afraid to hurt me....

Really hard/weird day ... I feel like Brian is pulling away from me in some ways.  I can't really put my finger on it .. he says he's super busy at work ... really didn't text all that much ... well, we did, but not like usual.  We chatted on the phone a lot, as normal .. he called every day .. thursday I went out with denise and he called twice, texted twice and sent a few pix while i was out with her... friday was sadie's party ... he called as normal and we had a great talk ... really falling for him.  then we were able to chat last night online... said he missed me but we talk every day... i have the chat record on f/b... fast forward to today and he was very busy at work ... yes, we chatted and all was fine, but on the way home, he called me.  we usually talk for 20 min but today was only about 5.  and he got off the phone SUPER quick. was it because someone was there?  idk... but then I texted him to have a nice day and said text if you can ... he wrote back "will do".  that's it.  i texted him in the afternoon asking if he got to the hot-dog place he was going to and he said yes, unimpressed -- 5 hours later. 

idk why i'm so paranoid.  idk why this matters so much.  he's there and i'm here.  he's invovled and i'm married.  I feel lost and hopeless and i am so afraid this is going to end.  but it hasn't really even begun, to be honest.  i just love him so much... i feel very uneasy though.

i was able to spend the better part of the day with dee... then had dinner out with kara.  had a lovely time.  they both feel that he's' becomming the center of my attention and focus and that i need to back off a little.  but i'm so afraid if i back off, it will be over.

i never, or rarely, hear from him on saturday and sunday.  he's a busy guy with family obligations on weekends, i get it.  i get that i'm in a different situation right now and might be needing more than i can get.

we were able to get back to a little dirty in texting this week, which was nice.  i like that...  i hope we continue on wiht this..

it would be a shame to have it go away... please GOD don't let this be the end and just make it be me being crazy.

omg... i don't even know where to begin.. had a massive fight with my aunt today ... she is writing me out of her will, life and everything. all because of moving. this is the most fucked up thing i've ever gone through. i'm bettering my life and my family and i get met with this shit. i just can't take it.

it makes me manifest horrible thoughts and feelings into everything... brian included. i just can't accept the fact that he loves me. period. everything seems to be a problem right now since he said it. and i said it back. i feel like i'm picking everything apart .. just not riding out the feeling..

he couldn't text much today and here i am reading into it too much. why do i do this. why am i this insecure? i don't understand at all... the guy calls me every single day ... every day and we have such great conversations. we talk about everything... he's kind and caring. but here i am reading too much into it. and again, i don't know why.

i wish there wasn't this mountain in front of us. i wish it were easy to be together but it isn't. and i don't know if it ever will be. ever.

my kid needs me and i can't focus. my husband needs me and i can't focus. my aunt hates me. i just want to curl up in a ball and forget life. period.

Okay... so that was a complete whirlwind time ... I still can't believe he said he loved me. We had such a wonderful day -- nothing was established except he can't figure out a way out with what he has... we haven't talked about that since but we've revisited it a little - i guess you could say.

I've never really had someone just tell me they love me ... it's always just been the natural progression of how relationships have gone... not really SAID just assumed... this was actually said to me and meant more to me than anything... however, it's also made me incredibly insecure... i mean, what the fuck is going to happen with it? where are we gonna go with it???

we were texting today ... having sex by text. It was great. ... and fun... pictures sent/exchanged.

yesterday i asked him if he knew how much i was gonna miss him and he said, "so I'm not alone...". i just love him so...

I need to chill and just let this unfold how it's going to. I'm so not good about this ... I obsess.

Today:

Were you worried I wasn't going to say ILY back... he said, Nope, counted on it. I said, Oh, confident! He said, Nope, i just knew you did. And that he was a good reader. Then we decided to talk about what we would do if we could do... kinda a justification... and had a lovely story about that and being on the boat...

He called today and I asked him if he was happy I was going to be there in 24 days and he said Yes, I guess. So I said, you guess? and he said that it was like I was there anyways because we are so in eachothers lives. true. he said he sometimes goes 20 days without seeing friends ... true. and friends are what we are first and foremost.

I told him I'd likely be having a going away party and he asked if I wanted him to come and I was like "yeah, but how"... it's be great but it's a dream... it'd be awesome if he could drive back to NC with me. Another dream...

I need to just chill the fuck out. We are never going to know what's in store for us until I get there. I don't want any fizzling out at all. I want him in my life permanently. Okay, so he is... blah blah blah. I get it... but I want to wake up to him every day... and thank GOD for him. Every day.

That's it for now...

Good GOD what a whirlwind time here in NC. Met w Brian on Mon -- only for an hour but we had a HUGE make-out session... amazing and mindblowing and I had no idea I'd have these feelings for him... We went to a little park/marina...

I wake up Tues a.m. with a text from him saying he can't go through with our Tuesday "plan" and that he's sorry -- the guilt would kill him. Didn't sleep at all. I took it as he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and he was like, no. not at all... so we met at noon and took the boat out ... chatted, flirted, goofed around, had a few beers... went to this little restaurant on the lake and had a great talk about everything... it was exactly what i expected -- he's stuck/caught in this situation that he sees no way out of w cathy/kids... so we don't know what's gonna happen but we really want to stay in eachothers lives... back on the boat we go.. lots more flirting -- then he kisses me... more of that... just chilling, talking, etc... i asked him why he felt guilty and he said because of his feelings ... i asked him what he was feeling and he said love for me. i said, huh? he looked me right in the eye, about 5" from my face and said, "nancy, I love you"... "someone had to be the first to say it." and that I wouldn't do it ... so I told him I loved him, too... he said he's known he's loved me since about 3 weeks before my first visit... I told him since '83...

It was awesome... I still have no idea where any of this is going... I don't care... all I know is that I love him/he loves me. And that's enough for now.

This is it ... the calm before the storm. Glass of wine in hand. Tomorrow my flight leaves at 11:10 a.m. and hits Charlotte at 1:28 ... nervous doesn't describe how I feel...

I'm nervous that things are going to be awkward and I don't want that at all... I want things as fun and normal as they had been... I feel like I am in love.

Today is Easter -- he was at his mom's house today with family -- I received a couple of pix through the day ... then at the end of the day a text that said he was shutting his phone off bec battery was dying... that he'd see me tomorrow ... muah and =-*.

I think things will be fine... if I have a chance to update, I will...

Things still progress on ... it's Sat a.m., 4/7 ... all is well and fine but I'm kind of a mess. He was off all day yesterday but was only able to communicate with me a couple of times -- various texts, an online chat in the a.m. ... then he snuck a call in at 3 in the afternoon... bad mood, mad that he had all these things to do all day that he wanted no part of ... he literally had to go out and sneak a call in the shed for 3 min. said he was happy to talk to me...

I'd sure love to know why I inately go to these feelings of insecurity... why I'm always that person to think everything is wrong ... it's that whole "new" thing and I'm sure it's normal ... I should probably google it. I know everything is good ... I also know I have 2 days in front of me where I will have little contact with him and that frustrates me and worries me and makes me sad...

I got a :):-* at about 8:20 last night which I didn't reply to -- I don't want to seem too needy... make him wonder a bit where I am and what I'm doing... but I also don't want to play games ...

I woke up at 5:30 this a.m., coughing, and just out of a really fucked up dream that I get a text at 3:10 on Monday saying he can't meet me and he's sorry... and then I don't hear from him again. OMG it fucked me up and it's worse to see it written. I would be DEVASTED. I don't think he'd do that...

I need to let this all go and leave it alone... I have to get through these 2 days.

I would so love it if he'd call me today -- he said he'd try... I'm going to get a mani/pedi this a.m., hoping it will help relax me...

Linda called several times last night and still, to this day, thinks he's the one... let's just see if she's right...

Things are definitely going well... so happy. We talk all the time -- text all day ... at least 1/2 hour convo at teh end of the day... into the night sometimes, too. He told me that I'm special to him - hates talking on the phone unless it's me... is excited for me to move there but it's going to be awkward bec of our situations... crossing that bridge when we get to it.

I can't wait to see him on the 9th and 10th...amazing... very bummed that we wont be able to tex tmuch for the next 3 days .. hoping he'll find the time. he said that now he actually makes excuses to leave so we can talk on the weekends now...

Texted me last night at 941 saying MUAH Gnite... love that and told him so.

Wondering if this is love. It feels like it. More to come.

things are going smashingly... dare i say it might be love.

many MANY texts in the past week...

* lemme break it down for ya ... i'm goin to rearrange some internal organs to make room for my cock... it will still feel good tho.
* we may have to go for a ride to the boat landing
* there is a landing over there ... just not sure how far ... but i will know soon enuf.
* call it "recon"
* the knowledge that it's been 19 years since #2 (about bj's and being #3)
** i try .. was looking at ur profile pic last night n smiling ... thinkng i was pretty lucky
I WROTE: i check our ur pics from time to time and smile .. so handsome. and back in my life. so happy about that.
* awwwww geeez lady!!!
I asked if he blushed
* no but that was nice
I said: well god. i'm glad and i mean it. i hope u r happy i am too
* absolutely
asked if i wanted to see the new sex toy
* pic sent of his tongue
* glad i can brighten up ur morning
I said: i hope i brightened up ur morning too
* always
talked a little dirty on the phone ... and awesome convo. several.
sent pic of fire
I said: that's hot.
*Literally
I said: where's my chair
* in my lap
I said: excellent... if i was in ur lap ud be rearranging my organs
* now ur getting it!!
I said: damn... ur making me go masterbate u know
*unless i c it... gotta take ur word
I said: oh u will see it. that i guarantee. are u asking for a pic?
I'll send one ... if u want
* Dare you!
pics sent
* More please!!! AWESOME!!!!
Sent more
*all of them. Soon it will b me
*ur awesome!!! and i am there ... sort of
I said: somewhat watching... i can't wait to feel my new toy on me
I have masterbated 4x today bec of u
*just once on my end. thank u. and ur welcum lol
I said: keep being sweet to me ... makes me wet and horny
* not a problem. it cums easy from me to you
I said: aww. wld totally be making out w u right now in front of that fire. and then i would pull ur cock out and be number 4, bec i will already be num 3
* atta girl
I said: lol. go me! lol... I wanna hear ur voice

many man pics sent all week. eveyrthing stepped up a notch. <3 swoon

home in about 3 hours; pic; hi... should be getting home soon. hope it was an easy trip back... ttysoon; home... i tried to send that pic last night but it kept failing; that was def a good pic! :p; 14 btw; when u off??..4?; now; call me ... spoke for 20 min. called linda back and got a text; i miss talkin to you; i missed talking to you too; pic; pic? (from me); i sent one; i know silly. i responded. do u want one; i didnt et a response ... but uummmm...duh??; yeah... i aid YUM duh! ;p hang tite..; i always do!!; hardee har har :p; sent pic; actually...i always hang right ... =-); clever.. pretty yes?; gotta wait a bit.. got company; not goin anywhere; yup.. seen it.. ntb...:-*

everything is fine... long story short. got a text from him at 4 asking me when i was out and to call. i did and we were great... just like normal. and then i got a text from him that he misses talking to me... we've texted a couple of times through the night -- things are right back to where thy ended off... no worries at all <3

he texted at 10:30 that he was 3 hours from home and then sent a pic... at the prompting of friends, they think this is getting really REALLY out of control emotionally and I have to agree. I'm brought right back to where I was when I was 21 with him... feeling lost, scared and sad. About a guy. It makes no sense... anyhow.

So I didn't text him back until about 12:45 and said "hi -- should be getting home soon. hope it was an easy trip back... ttysoon."

he texted back at 1:26 "home. i tried to send that pic last night but it kept failing". nothing else. nothing endearing like he normally would... no MUAH or :-* ... nothing. Am i reading more into that?

I texted back at 1:57 "that was def a good pic! ;p" and then at 2:35 "14 btw" for 14 days left until i get there ... haven't heard a thing back.

We never really talk on Sunday's ... it's usually a day where he's home with family.

I have this really sick feeling of dread in my tummy. T said some really providential things to me on the phone -- that this is just really out of control and I need to reel it back in or we're gonna be fucked in the long run. I need to listen to that but there is just some weird pull to him that I can't explain.

I'm dying here because he hasn't texted... do I text him tomorrow a.m. as normal? do I let it go? nothing has changed really, other than we had an amazing time last week ... didn't deal much with it other than continuing texting through the week. On wed., he said something about being afraid he was gonna hurt me and I was like, "why"... things are cool between us because we have feelings ... okay. So then he called me after work as normal and I said i was happy we talked and ironed everything out really... not that there was much to iron out. but... he called after he left his guys time and was clearly buzzed ... so I talked him home and we talked b/s... then he texted me at 9:00 asking to call ... called and we spoke for 1/2 hour saying he was full of shit about how he was wanting things to back up a bit, so to speak... great convo's. telling me all kinds of sexual things and how he was so sure of himself and what he could do... which is fine and usual. then the second he hangs up, he texts me that he could talk to me for hours.

i don't get it. T says that if we actually go through with anythign it will change EVERYTHING. if it's this bad after a kiss, it'll be INSANE after going through with it. I have to listen to her ... I have to reel it back in but how. I don't want to get hurt, yet I'm hurting...

How do I stop this?

worked out for an hour -- 60 min on treadmill. still out of sorts but better. if it's done, it's gotta be done and that's the end of it. fact remains we're moving there...and fact remains there are feelings. i doubt he's the type or sort to just let it fizzle ithout a word... i'm gonna do my best ever not to text today... i really REALLY want to around 8:30 to say have a safe trip home... but i know i shouldn't. i wish i had someone to talk to here right now. i'm that fucked about it. what is it with him...that's always been for 25+ years.... i don't get it. one person can fuck me up this bad through texting and calls.i wish i had something to take my mind off of all of this. i wish bella were awake... even fighting with her woudl be better than being alone in my thoughts.what if he doesn't text today? what if i go the entire day with nothing? do i text tomorrow a.m. like normal and be like "wtf"? i don't think i have the right, but do i? do i leave it alone and let him wonder about me? I was the last person to text last night telling him i was working today 11-4. i don't know what to do...i really hate my life right now.

went to bed crying ... woke up at 4:00 a.m. crying. i just cant get my brain around life today so far. i'm so fucking afraid all the time and i don't know what to do. the guilt is killing me sometimes. i don't want to cry anymore but i just can't stop. i'm anxious... i'm worried that things won't go back to how they were before the weekend... but i also feel like i should admit that do i think they should? it's a road of hurt and pain but happiness, too. i feel like i'm the only person in the world hurting right now.. i'm afraid i'm not going to hear from him at all today and that worries me. he's traveling with 12 ppl today ... supposed to be home by 1ish. i never heard back last night. why am i so insecure? why am i so hung up on this? why do i not feel like i'm worth it -- that i matter. i know i do to him. why is everything so hard right now. i feel like professionally i have this amazing opportunity in front of me... the chance to have a great life, but i'm scared... and deejo isn't supportive... that bothers the shit out of me. if i had the opportunity, I'd say: look, i'm scared. i'm scared at how fast everything happened -- how it all changed justlikethat. i'm scared that i wasn't even for a second looking for anythign and then *poof*, here you are. i'm scared that it's not worth it enough to keep going... that we aren't going to be able to go back... that things will fizzle and you'll be gone. i'm happy that you are with me... happy that we have this whatever it is, thing. sometimes i feel like it's a giant dead-end... which is true. you have your life, and it seems pretty fulfilled... mine is about to begin again. i'm terrified of changing this much... i feel like running away, yet you just got back into my life and i don't want you to go. i'm really scared at how attached i've gotten to you in such a short time. i'm terrified that my heart is going to get broken and that i'm not going to see it coming. this all seems way to big to handle right now but i can't have it stop for whatever reason. i feel like this is all just a big contridiction -- i'm scared that you'll not text me back. just at all. my confidence is shot today and i don't know why.. i was so out of sorts when you left because i knew we wouldn't be speaking ... yet you found time to send quick texts... i know you think of me and it scares the shit out of me how much i think of you. it's like everything has changed with us but nothing has changed in my life... please text me today...

VACATION COVO927 miss u too, hitting the road407 :-*830 kisses929 gnite... :-* .. missed talking818 good mornin ... imy21042 oh yeah247 do you know where i was one week ago?248 yup... kissing me!!!625 kk ... have fun ... b safe641 imy btw643 imy2643 xx830 psst855 psst!!900 imy and im buzzed and have glitter .. play?!901 would love to .... but ...903 yeah yeah yeah. imy. in ptown and want u w me906 send pic? :-p*1000 absolutely!!1001 u send or me send?1002 u send... i send tomorrow1002 kk.. give me 10?1003 ok.. batterys blinkingpic sent.1023 damn right i like it ... ttyl.. MUAH1023 :p got for u! xo930 good mornin... hope ur having fun940 hey babes :) i am and hope u r too. missing ur voice ... :-*1008 don't forget the pic today :p1056 it will b alon shortly... miss talking to you too1115 can't wait to see.. KISSES :-* 15 days til more kisses...pic recieved1148 so f'ing handsome.. i miss u more now :p119 pssst257 imy2322 hot pink lace pic or black lace pic. ur choice :p417 hot pink or none418 i meant nothing419 i gotcha ... pic now or later430 now2 pics sent604 thougth you said ther was 2??604 which did you get? there was..606 the soapy one? lol606 i'll resend the hot pink... lolpic resent606 thank you607 for?609 didn't think they had bras in ptown... lol ... very nice tho611 glad u like :) on our way home. u can see it up close in 15 days if you want612 i like613 good :) imy a lot615 we'll talk mon616 i know620 will u send me another pic? :p621 possibly later.. i'm not at the cabin621 be daring lol632 lol... not here ...633 okayyyyy... lo. are u home tom?641 sometime around 1 or so644 working 11 to 4 tom. yuck lolFeeling a bit sad and out of sorts... this has been the most fucked up ride ever. I don't know if I'm coming or going most days -- I've never felt like this... I feel wierd right now, like this is all gonna end sometime soon. I feel that the feelings are so real and raw and powerful and I have no control over them. I have to see this through.I have no idea if I'm gonna hear from him tomorrow or not. And that scares the shit out of me. I haven't not spoken to him for this long and I feel like this is gonna be it... and if it is it is... but this has meant more to me than anything in a long time.