4/28

... and here it is another Saturday where I'm freaked the fuck out.  Again.  Nothing has happened... nothing is wrong at all.  He worked a 1/2 day yesterday so he could go to his NASCAR riding thingy that afternoon/night and then see his favorite band that night ... planned to get effed up and then today was boat/cookout at a friends house... Knowing I won't hear from him, I'm still hopeful.  We talked yesterday and all was fine...

I think I hit it on the head when I just thought of this.  I'm expecting too much.  Way too much and losing focus on what is important.  This was/is supposed to be light and fun and easy... and it's becomming and obsession to me that I can't get past.  Like I'm EXPECTING him to see me often when I'm down there -- not really, but maybe a little.  I'm EXPECTING him to text and call me all the time -- to show up at the house.  To make plans for us to do things.  To go camping... etc.  And all of it is completely unrealistic.  All of it.

I don't know waht his intentions are but I have to reign this thing in... I'm hurting and getting more and more hurt as the time/days go by... not by anything he's doing or saying but just because of how my head is working.

I have 7 more days here.  This time next week, I'm leaving.  And I'm really REALLY scared about it.  And nervous and excited... my head hurts.  And it doesn't help that I went out last night and got hammered.  At all.

God... Help me to keep my head above water today -- help me to stay focused on what matters most.  Help me to realize that things will happen when/if they are supposed to and there is nothing I can do about it...