Alright - I know I think way too much but there never seems to be enough time to talk about anything anymore, even though we text off/on all day, with a couple of calls a week, our conversations are usually about a whole bunch of random stuff.  I've been thinking of a lot of different things lately, though, and I've gotta tell you... Okay...

I look forward to talking to you and I think it's safe to say we both love it because we smile and it feels what normal is with us.  This is definitely not a normal friendship, though - and you know what I mean, and in a lot of ways it feels like we've been a part of eachothers lives forever -- you know me better than most.  I don't know if we can have a normal friendship.  I honestly don't know what it's like anymore to not have you in my day-to-day life.  But that said, it's a reality that's gonna happen, as much as we don't want it to, and how many times we've said what we want to happen and what should happen are two separate things... I'm realizing this reality and I fucking hate it.

I've said how much I'd love to see you again, but the reality for me is having to say goodbye to your handsome face in person, the one that means so much to me, for possibly the last time is not a reality I can deal with.  I don't think I could ever look at your face and say the words goodbye to you - can you?  It's almost easier to think that the last time I saw you was the last time I'd ever see you again, although that makes me really sad. 

I don't want you out of my life, but I feel like I'm grasping onto something that I can't have and what I wish I could have from you is something you just can't give me.  And it sucks.  What's the best thing for you and I?  I know we care a lot about eachother but you're right, I am gonna get hurt again because I am attached to you -- and as much as you won't admit it to yourself, you are attached to me, too. I know you care too much for me to hurt me, and I care too much for you to let you see it but it's gonna happen and I don't want my little heart hurting.  What do you think we should do here -- can you let me know your thoughts?