went to bed crying ... woke up at 4:00 a.m. crying. i just cant get my brain around life today so far. i'm so fucking afraid all the time and i don't know what to do. the guilt is killing me sometimes. i don't want to cry anymore but i just can't stop. i'm anxious... i'm worried that things won't go back to how they were before the weekend... but i also feel like i should admit that do i think they should? it's a road of hurt and pain but happiness, too. i feel like i'm the only person in the world hurting right now.. i'm afraid i'm not going to hear from him at all today and that worries me. he's traveling with 12 ppl today ... supposed to be home by 1ish. i never heard back last night. why am i so insecure? why am i so hung up on this? why do i not feel like i'm worth it -- that i matter. i know i do to him. why is everything so hard right now. i feel like professionally i have this amazing opportunity in front of me... the chance to have a great life, but i'm scared... and deejo isn't supportive... that bothers the shit out of me. if i had the opportunity, I'd say: look, i'm scared. i'm scared at how fast everything happened -- how it all changed justlikethat. i'm scared that i wasn't even for a second looking for anythign and then *poof*, here you are. i'm scared that it's not worth it enough to keep going... that we aren't going to be able to go back... that things will fizzle and you'll be gone. i'm happy that you are with me... happy that we have this whatever it is, thing. sometimes i feel like it's a giant dead-end... which is true. you have your life, and it seems pretty fulfilled... mine is about to begin again. i'm terrified of changing this much... i feel like running away, yet you just got back into my life and i don't want you to go. i'm really scared at how attached i've gotten to you in such a short time. i'm terrified that my heart is going to get broken and that i'm not going to see it coming. this all seems way to big to handle right now but i can't have it stop for whatever reason. i feel like this is all just a big contridiction -- i'm scared that you'll not text me back. just at all. my confidence is shot today and i don't know why.. i was so out of sorts when you left because i knew we wouldn't be speaking ... yet you found time to send quick texts... i know you think of me and it scares the shit out of me how much i think of you. it's like everything has changed with us but nothing has changed in my life... please text me today...