4/30

Things are fine ... thinking too much lately as always.  Nothing big... just said I loved him earlier today because he had a shitty morning and he hasn't said it back.  But did send me smiles and a =-* so.  Reading too much into shit, for sure.  He's hungover, tired, hurting and busted his prop on his boat.  I know I'm being rediculous and felt so after he wrote back, joking I hope, that I needed to chillax.  Gah.

I'm here for 4 more days and am freaking out about that.  Holy shit.  My life is going to be COMPLETELY different exactly one week from now.

I'm trying hard not to have any expectations about all of this... trying to stay chill and keep my head above water.  But it's impossible to when so much is up in the air.  I literaly can't handle another thing.

He asked me if I was nervous or excited this a.m.  I'm both.  I'm everything but mostly am excited to ge this chapter of my life started.

I so hope he's in it.

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Things are fine.  We chatted on/off through the day... called and had a great convo. as always.  this was about the scientific part of religion and death... i said, this is getting grim... and we need to change the subject and he was like we talk about everything under the sun... talked for nearly 25 min this time... and got a nice pic at 345.

Talked about how hard it would be to leave Bella and he agreed... about me being stressed... and everything. Great convo I think.

I have no idea what will happen between us but I'm excited and hopeful.

4/29

Things are fine... got a few texts yesterday with MISS YOU .. kiss... etc.  Talked today .. he so missed me.  texted ... wanted to know if he could call.  Def. keeping on his toes. 

I so love him and am so hopeful to how things will work out between us... one week and I'll be there.  Good God.

4/28

... and here it is another Saturday where I'm freaked the fuck out.  Again.  Nothing has happened... nothing is wrong at all.  He worked a 1/2 day yesterday so he could go to his NASCAR riding thingy that afternoon/night and then see his favorite band that night ... planned to get effed up and then today was boat/cookout at a friends house... Knowing I won't hear from him, I'm still hopeful.  We talked yesterday and all was fine...

I think I hit it on the head when I just thought of this.  I'm expecting too much.  Way too much and losing focus on what is important.  This was/is supposed to be light and fun and easy... and it's becomming and obsession to me that I can't get past.  Like I'm EXPECTING him to see me often when I'm down there -- not really, but maybe a little.  I'm EXPECTING him to text and call me all the time -- to show up at the house.  To make plans for us to do things.  To go camping... etc.  And all of it is completely unrealistic.  All of it.

I don't know waht his intentions are but I have to reign this thing in... I'm hurting and getting more and more hurt as the time/days go by... not by anything he's doing or saying but just because of how my head is working.

I have 7 more days here.  This time next week, I'm leaving.  And I'm really REALLY scared about it.  And nervous and excited... my head hurts.  And it doesn't help that I went out last night and got hammered.  At all.

God... Help me to keep my head above water today -- help me to stay focused on what matters most.  Help me to realize that things will happen when/if they are supposed to and there is nothing I can do about it...

4/23

Well, he responded... and everything is fine.  He's busy, life is busy and feels the exact same way about me.. meant it when he said it too, is what he said.  I've gotta learn to just chill and go with it.  I'm actually quite good today...and quite happy about that.  We've texted off/on all morning and it's been flirty and fun.  I juust love him so.

I'm so happy he didn't leave with the out I gave him.

Got 2 nice pics yest and 2 nice pics this a.m. ... damn oh damn.  <3

Said he would try to make it up to make it up to me that he couldn't come to my party... lol

4/22

Can't sleep ... it's 5 a.m. There is so much on my mind right now.  I'm fucking stressed to no end -- hubby and I can see no better for us at this point... had a great convo with my friend Dor. last night -- I need to get my head clear and the only way I can do it is by talking to him.  This is what I want to say:

I've been tossing/turning for the past 2 hours and I've gotta talk to you ... I'm hoping you are okay -- talking to you daily, I know things have been sucky for you at work, but lately I can't help but wonder if us texting/talking is too much of a distraction for you.  I like my life better having you in it, and I hope you feel the same but something is off and I can't put my finger on it, or tell if it's just me.  I really need to know though, if I'm just being weird or my intuition is right about that.  I meant it when I said I loved ... I do.  You are very important to me, and I care a lot about you and I don't want to lose you even as a friend, but I also don't want you stay if you don't want to and are just afraid to hurt me....

Really hard/weird day ... I feel like Brian is pulling away from me in some ways.  I can't really put my finger on it .. he says he's super busy at work ... really didn't text all that much ... well, we did, but not like usual.  We chatted on the phone a lot, as normal .. he called every day .. thursday I went out with denise and he called twice, texted twice and sent a few pix while i was out with her... friday was sadie's party ... he called as normal and we had a great talk ... really falling for him.  then we were able to chat last night online... said he missed me but we talk every day... i have the chat record on f/b... fast forward to today and he was very busy at work ... yes, we chatted and all was fine, but on the way home, he called me.  we usually talk for 20 min but today was only about 5.  and he got off the phone SUPER quick. was it because someone was there?  idk... but then I texted him to have a nice day and said text if you can ... he wrote back "will do".  that's it.  i texted him in the afternoon asking if he got to the hot-dog place he was going to and he said yes, unimpressed -- 5 hours later. 

idk why i'm so paranoid.  idk why this matters so much.  he's there and i'm here.  he's invovled and i'm married.  I feel lost and hopeless and i am so afraid this is going to end.  but it hasn't really even begun, to be honest.  i just love him so much... i feel very uneasy though.

i was able to spend the better part of the day with dee... then had dinner out with kara.  had a lovely time.  they both feel that he's' becomming the center of my attention and focus and that i need to back off a little.  but i'm so afraid if i back off, it will be over.

i never, or rarely, hear from him on saturday and sunday.  he's a busy guy with family obligations on weekends, i get it.  i get that i'm in a different situation right now and might be needing more than i can get.

we were able to get back to a little dirty in texting this week, which was nice.  i like that...  i hope we continue on wiht this..

it would be a shame to have it go away... please GOD don't let this be the end and just make it be me being crazy.

omg... i don't even know where to begin.. had a massive fight with my aunt today ... she is writing me out of her will, life and everything. all because of moving. this is the most fucked up thing i've ever gone through. i'm bettering my life and my family and i get met with this shit. i just can't take it.

it makes me manifest horrible thoughts and feelings into everything... brian included. i just can't accept the fact that he loves me. period. everything seems to be a problem right now since he said it. and i said it back. i feel like i'm picking everything apart .. just not riding out the feeling..

he couldn't text much today and here i am reading into it too much. why do i do this. why am i this insecure? i don't understand at all... the guy calls me every single day ... every day and we have such great conversations. we talk about everything... he's kind and caring. but here i am reading too much into it. and again, i don't know why.

i wish there wasn't this mountain in front of us. i wish it were easy to be together but it isn't. and i don't know if it ever will be. ever.

my kid needs me and i can't focus. my husband needs me and i can't focus. my aunt hates me. i just want to curl up in a ball and forget life. period.

Okay... so that was a complete whirlwind time ... I still can't believe he said he loved me. We had such a wonderful day -- nothing was established except he can't figure out a way out with what he has... we haven't talked about that since but we've revisited it a little - i guess you could say.

I've never really had someone just tell me they love me ... it's always just been the natural progression of how relationships have gone... not really SAID just assumed... this was actually said to me and meant more to me than anything... however, it's also made me incredibly insecure... i mean, what the fuck is going to happen with it? where are we gonna go with it???

we were texting today ... having sex by text. It was great. ... and fun... pictures sent/exchanged.

yesterday i asked him if he knew how much i was gonna miss him and he said, "so I'm not alone...". i just love him so...

I need to chill and just let this unfold how it's going to. I'm so not good about this ... I obsess.

Today:

Were you worried I wasn't going to say ILY back... he said, Nope, counted on it. I said, Oh, confident! He said, Nope, i just knew you did. And that he was a good reader. Then we decided to talk about what we would do if we could do... kinda a justification... and had a lovely story about that and being on the boat...

He called today and I asked him if he was happy I was going to be there in 24 days and he said Yes, I guess. So I said, you guess? and he said that it was like I was there anyways because we are so in eachothers lives. true. he said he sometimes goes 20 days without seeing friends ... true. and friends are what we are first and foremost.

I told him I'd likely be having a going away party and he asked if I wanted him to come and I was like "yeah, but how"... it's be great but it's a dream... it'd be awesome if he could drive back to NC with me. Another dream...

I need to just chill the fuck out. We are never going to know what's in store for us until I get there. I don't want any fizzling out at all. I want him in my life permanently. Okay, so he is... blah blah blah. I get it... but I want to wake up to him every day... and thank GOD for him. Every day.

That's it for now...

Good GOD what a whirlwind time here in NC. Met w Brian on Mon -- only for an hour but we had a HUGE make-out session... amazing and mindblowing and I had no idea I'd have these feelings for him... We went to a little park/marina...

I wake up Tues a.m. with a text from him saying he can't go through with our Tuesday "plan" and that he's sorry -- the guilt would kill him. Didn't sleep at all. I took it as he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and he was like, no. not at all... so we met at noon and took the boat out ... chatted, flirted, goofed around, had a few beers... went to this little restaurant on the lake and had a great talk about everything... it was exactly what i expected -- he's stuck/caught in this situation that he sees no way out of w cathy/kids... so we don't know what's gonna happen but we really want to stay in eachothers lives... back on the boat we go.. lots more flirting -- then he kisses me... more of that... just chilling, talking, etc... i asked him why he felt guilty and he said because of his feelings ... i asked him what he was feeling and he said love for me. i said, huh? he looked me right in the eye, about 5" from my face and said, "nancy, I love you"... "someone had to be the first to say it." and that I wouldn't do it ... so I told him I loved him, too... he said he's known he's loved me since about 3 weeks before my first visit... I told him since '83...

It was awesome... I still have no idea where any of this is going... I don't care... all I know is that I love him/he loves me. And that's enough for now.

This is it ... the calm before the storm. Glass of wine in hand. Tomorrow my flight leaves at 11:10 a.m. and hits Charlotte at 1:28 ... nervous doesn't describe how I feel...

I'm nervous that things are going to be awkward and I don't want that at all... I want things as fun and normal as they had been... I feel like I am in love.

Today is Easter -- he was at his mom's house today with family -- I received a couple of pix through the day ... then at the end of the day a text that said he was shutting his phone off bec battery was dying... that he'd see me tomorrow ... muah and =-*.

I think things will be fine... if I have a chance to update, I will...

Things still progress on ... it's Sat a.m., 4/7 ... all is well and fine but I'm kind of a mess. He was off all day yesterday but was only able to communicate with me a couple of times -- various texts, an online chat in the a.m. ... then he snuck a call in at 3 in the afternoon... bad mood, mad that he had all these things to do all day that he wanted no part of ... he literally had to go out and sneak a call in the shed for 3 min. said he was happy to talk to me...

I'd sure love to know why I inately go to these feelings of insecurity... why I'm always that person to think everything is wrong ... it's that whole "new" thing and I'm sure it's normal ... I should probably google it. I know everything is good ... I also know I have 2 days in front of me where I will have little contact with him and that frustrates me and worries me and makes me sad...

I got a :):-* at about 8:20 last night which I didn't reply to -- I don't want to seem too needy... make him wonder a bit where I am and what I'm doing... but I also don't want to play games ...

I woke up at 5:30 this a.m., coughing, and just out of a really fucked up dream that I get a text at 3:10 on Monday saying he can't meet me and he's sorry... and then I don't hear from him again. OMG it fucked me up and it's worse to see it written. I would be DEVASTED. I don't think he'd do that...

I need to let this all go and leave it alone... I have to get through these 2 days.

I would so love it if he'd call me today -- he said he'd try... I'm going to get a mani/pedi this a.m., hoping it will help relax me...

Linda called several times last night and still, to this day, thinks he's the one... let's just see if she's right...

Things are definitely going well... so happy. We talk all the time -- text all day ... at least 1/2 hour convo at teh end of the day... into the night sometimes, too. He told me that I'm special to him - hates talking on the phone unless it's me... is excited for me to move there but it's going to be awkward bec of our situations... crossing that bridge when we get to it.

I can't wait to see him on the 9th and 10th...amazing... very bummed that we wont be able to tex tmuch for the next 3 days .. hoping he'll find the time. he said that now he actually makes excuses to leave so we can talk on the weekends now...

Texted me last night at 941 saying MUAH Gnite... love that and told him so.

Wondering if this is love. It feels like it. More to come.