Went to bed last night thinking of him. I wonder when this will let up. I know, in my heart of hearts, that he cared about me and perhaps loved me. But I also know he didn't love me as I did him. I think at one point he did, but certainly not after he got caught in May. And if that is, in fact, true, we only had whatever we had for 4 months and not the entire year as I thought/felt.
The reality of that is huge to me... I can remember the many times we had tried to do this, and he'd say things like it just want normal us not talking... it's how it was supposed to be. But later on through this, he'd say things like, it's not how it's supposed to be - meaning we never should have gotten that close.
I'm so pissed off that I just didn't see it ... just did't see this coming in reality. Hind-sight is always 20/20. We weren't in eachothers lives at all lately... Before Christmas he called me and was incredibly sweet... texted me on Christmas and responded to a f/b email that he was glad to be in my life. He's off the week between Christmas and New Years, his best childhood friend passes away... I go to MA, he's in MA, too... We get home on the 1st. On the 2nd, it's like nothing really stopped - like he sends me pix, I send him pix ... but he doesn't call. Used to be EVERY time he'd go away or I would he'd call the very next day. Maybe his friend was with him, but... I remember we texted about it and I asked him if he'd call soon and he said K. The next day -- flirty/dirty texts, pix sent ... he called and was a little cold on the phone to start ... then we talked about pix... a little about our trips. Only a 10 min call... Thurs/Fri is when he mentioned about getting together the following Wed. Friday afternoon I dared him to take a pix of himself...he said MAYBE... then Monday is when it started - the end of it.
Either something happened on his trip or something happened over the weekend. IDK. But whatever it is I'm left with this feeling of what next. And the ability to live a whole life rather than the half I was. My friend L was right... I was LIVING for my phone... LIVING for that call.
Weird that I thought I needed that. Weird that he mattered that much to me.
Not gonna send this but: If I could, this is what I'd say
You mentioned this wasn't an easy decision which leads me to believe that you have feelings for me still. Because if you didn't, you would have just walked with no reason/answer. Or are you just letting me down easy? Are you sick and tired of trying to promise me something that you just can't go with? Did I really matter to you? How could you just walk out of my life? Am I missed in yours? I almost wish I never responded to you back in the beginning with Words with Friends... it would have saved me heartache right now... but then again, I never would have learned these lessons, nor would have felt such love in the beginning. And you know you did -- you told me so. Fuck, maybe I'm that stupid to think you actually meant it because I did. IDK. Did you mean it?
I hate the fact I have to move on without you ... even though we weren't a part of reality day/day. I've been reading articles about getting over a broken heart. And I know it's nearly impossible... but I hope I do. Is your heart broken?
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