... okay, so yes. I am. I've been casually getting to know someone on f/b from my past... do you see the red flags waving? And we were texting last night ... MORE RED FLAGS ... and what started out innocently as geo chaching with kids, turned dirty JUSTLIKETHAT... and he BEGGED for a pic. I fuckign sent one. We texted a bit after but nothing more... or since. I'm kinda good.
Suggestions for therapists please?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
1.12.13
... work was very interesting yesterday ... I went on f/b and saw that he had posted a picutre of a HUGE beer that his whatever the fuck she is got him... and said THANKS BABY. on it. I feel like that was a direct slap in the face, which likely isn't because I don't even matter...
It's somewhat refreshing not to be checking my phone every 10 minutes looking for a text back... although it kills me to admit that.
I almost feel like the last half of 2013 was a massive fucking waste of time. And that seriously makes me cry. I feel like the only thing this guy ever wanted from me was pictures of my tits and an occasional something else. And I fell for it.
I doubt I'll ever hear from him again... I've blocked all his posts on f/b too..
And BTW .. who the fuck takes pictures of beer??
It's somewhat refreshing not to be checking my phone every 10 minutes looking for a text back... although it kills me to admit that.
I almost feel like the last half of 2013 was a massive fucking waste of time. And that seriously makes me cry. I feel like the only thing this guy ever wanted from me was pictures of my tits and an occasional something else. And I fell for it.
I doubt I'll ever hear from him again... I've blocked all his posts on f/b too..
And BTW .. who the fuck takes pictures of beer??
Friday, January 11, 2013
Facebook messages deleted.
have tried to tell you everything you just said... And to to perfectly honest seeing you would be hard...and I could've if I really put the effort in .. I hope you now understand why that isn't a possiblity... It would be hard on us and I think it would make our situation a tad more difficult/complicated... I like texting with you..it helps my day..and makes me smile/laugh occasionally(but your not as funny as me) but it will end at some point...not looking forward to that but it will/should... Not gonna push for it...so day to day is how I'm taking this...hope that helps
(was in response to that letter I sent him)
Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas ... Hope you are enjoying your vacation and ... you can text if you can... headed to MA on the 26th ... many photo ops! Just sat the word... Glad you are a part of my life, but you know that.. ttys I hope
Please be safe on your trip... I too am glad... Hope you have a merry christmas.. and a happy New year
Thanks I will ... Wicked long drive. I think, if it's okay, we're just gonna have to stay in eachothers lives, M'kay? It's how it SHOULD be. Happy New Year to you, too...a whole year full of holiday's we've wished eachother! YAY!!! Try to text me okay? Geez My phone is TOO quiet!
I just saw your post ... My heart is so sad for you right now I'm thinking of you and you know I am always here for you if you need me -- I'm sending you a hug right this very minute...
Assuming you'll be headed up to the Cape -- please be safe, too.
Have a safe trip. The roads sucked when we came out yesterday.
New day ...1.11.13
Went to bed last night thinking of him. I wonder when this will let up. I know, in my heart of hearts, that he cared about me and perhaps loved me. But I also know he didn't love me as I did him. I think at one point he did, but certainly not after he got caught in May. And if that is, in fact, true, we only had whatever we had for 4 months and not the entire year as I thought/felt.
The reality of that is huge to me... I can remember the many times we had tried to do this, and he'd say things like it just want normal us not talking... it's how it was supposed to be. But later on through this, he'd say things like, it's not how it's supposed to be - meaning we never should have gotten that close.
I'm so pissed off that I just didn't see it ... just did't see this coming in reality. Hind-sight is always 20/20. We weren't in eachothers lives at all lately... Before Christmas he called me and was incredibly sweet... texted me on Christmas and responded to a f/b email that he was glad to be in my life. He's off the week between Christmas and New Years, his best childhood friend passes away... I go to MA, he's in MA, too... We get home on the 1st. On the 2nd, it's like nothing really stopped - like he sends me pix, I send him pix ... but he doesn't call. Used to be EVERY time he'd go away or I would he'd call the very next day. Maybe his friend was with him, but... I remember we texted about it and I asked him if he'd call soon and he said K. The next day -- flirty/dirty texts, pix sent ... he called and was a little cold on the phone to start ... then we talked about pix... a little about our trips. Only a 10 min call... Thurs/Fri is when he mentioned about getting together the following Wed. Friday afternoon I dared him to take a pix of himself...he said MAYBE... then Monday is when it started - the end of it.
Either something happened on his trip or something happened over the weekend. IDK. But whatever it is I'm left with this feeling of what next. And the ability to live a whole life rather than the half I was. My friend L was right... I was LIVING for my phone... LIVING for that call.
Weird that I thought I needed that. Weird that he mattered that much to me.
Not gonna send this but: If I could, this is what I'd say
You mentioned this wasn't an easy decision which leads me to believe that you have feelings for me still. Because if you didn't, you would have just walked with no reason/answer. Or are you just letting me down easy? Are you sick and tired of trying to promise me something that you just can't go with? Did I really matter to you? How could you just walk out of my life? Am I missed in yours? I almost wish I never responded to you back in the beginning with Words with Friends... it would have saved me heartache right now... but then again, I never would have learned these lessons, nor would have felt such love in the beginning. And you know you did -- you told me so. Fuck, maybe I'm that stupid to think you actually meant it because I did. IDK. Did you mean it?
I hate the fact I have to move on without you ... even though we weren't a part of reality day/day. I've been reading articles about getting over a broken heart. And I know it's nearly impossible... but I hope I do. Is your heart broken?
The reality of that is huge to me... I can remember the many times we had tried to do this, and he'd say things like it just want normal us not talking... it's how it was supposed to be. But later on through this, he'd say things like, it's not how it's supposed to be - meaning we never should have gotten that close.
I'm so pissed off that I just didn't see it ... just did't see this coming in reality. Hind-sight is always 20/20. We weren't in eachothers lives at all lately... Before Christmas he called me and was incredibly sweet... texted me on Christmas and responded to a f/b email that he was glad to be in my life. He's off the week between Christmas and New Years, his best childhood friend passes away... I go to MA, he's in MA, too... We get home on the 1st. On the 2nd, it's like nothing really stopped - like he sends me pix, I send him pix ... but he doesn't call. Used to be EVERY time he'd go away or I would he'd call the very next day. Maybe his friend was with him, but... I remember we texted about it and I asked him if he'd call soon and he said K. The next day -- flirty/dirty texts, pix sent ... he called and was a little cold on the phone to start ... then we talked about pix... a little about our trips. Only a 10 min call... Thurs/Fri is when he mentioned about getting together the following Wed. Friday afternoon I dared him to take a pix of himself...he said MAYBE... then Monday is when it started - the end of it.
Either something happened on his trip or something happened over the weekend. IDK. But whatever it is I'm left with this feeling of what next. And the ability to live a whole life rather than the half I was. My friend L was right... I was LIVING for my phone... LIVING for that call.
Weird that I thought I needed that. Weird that he mattered that much to me.
Not gonna send this but: If I could, this is what I'd say
You mentioned this wasn't an easy decision which leads me to believe that you have feelings for me still. Because if you didn't, you would have just walked with no reason/answer. Or are you just letting me down easy? Are you sick and tired of trying to promise me something that you just can't go with? Did I really matter to you? How could you just walk out of my life? Am I missed in yours? I almost wish I never responded to you back in the beginning with Words with Friends... it would have saved me heartache right now... but then again, I never would have learned these lessons, nor would have felt such love in the beginning. And you know you did -- you told me so. Fuck, maybe I'm that stupid to think you actually meant it because I did. IDK. Did you mean it?
I hate the fact I have to move on without you ... even though we weren't a part of reality day/day. I've been reading articles about getting over a broken heart. And I know it's nearly impossible... but I hope I do. Is your heart broken?
Thursday, January 10, 2013
1.10.13
Not one word back... nothing today ... no texts/calls anything. And he posted he's out riding his bike at about 3:30...
I'm honestly not obsessing about this as much as I might seem but this is just so friggin' hurtful. I know he came to the decision a long time ago.. truthfully probably when he got back from the cruise in Oct. But it hurts just the same that he led me along for anotehr few months. Thinking back, though, it wasn't really leading me on. Just many MANY talks about him/his cock etc... nothing REAL anymore. I mean I knew some stuff but not much.
So not like before...
He changed. A lot. I wonder if the person he portrayed himself to be was truly who he is. I kinda don't think so. I mean, I do know I mattered... but did I? Really?
He's telling me that clearly saying he's sorry isn't enough. He shouldn't be sorry - he should be ashamed of himself, quite frankly. And I think he's a fucking douchebag that he let me think he cared so much for me and let me care so much for him and HE DIDN'T DESERVE A MINUTE OF IT.
So many decisions I need to make in 2013... mainly with myself. I've gotta get back to exercising again... eating right. I've got to sort out this whole thing with hubby. This whole thing with B through me for such a loop I think I've come to associate love with pictures/fake shit. Like that shit is the only stuff that matters. It's not. At all. The real stuff that matters is the day-to-day. The communication and love.
Without that, what is life?
I'm honestly not obsessing about this as much as I might seem but this is just so friggin' hurtful. I know he came to the decision a long time ago.. truthfully probably when he got back from the cruise in Oct. But it hurts just the same that he led me along for anotehr few months. Thinking back, though, it wasn't really leading me on. Just many MANY talks about him/his cock etc... nothing REAL anymore. I mean I knew some stuff but not much.
So not like before...
He changed. A lot. I wonder if the person he portrayed himself to be was truly who he is. I kinda don't think so. I mean, I do know I mattered... but did I? Really?
He's telling me that clearly saying he's sorry isn't enough. He shouldn't be sorry - he should be ashamed of himself, quite frankly. And I think he's a fucking douchebag that he let me think he cared so much for me and let me care so much for him and HE DIDN'T DESERVE A MINUTE OF IT.
So many decisions I need to make in 2013... mainly with myself. I've gotta get back to exercising again... eating right. I've got to sort out this whole thing with hubby. This whole thing with B through me for such a loop I think I've come to associate love with pictures/fake shit. Like that shit is the only stuff that matters. It's not. At all. The real stuff that matters is the day-to-day. The communication and love.
Without that, what is life?
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
1.9.13 texts from 2 days to today. It's done. Now to begin again.
Previous texts were about normal shit like him/me… then the anticipated meeting to NOTHING. This is how it went down. Last phone call was on 1.2.13. Last text today by me on 1.9.13. His decision. This sucks.
This will likely be the last time I’ll text u which makes me sad but the way you want it. Agreed it’s the way it shold be. Thank you for being in my life last year. Your presence no matter how small to you was huge to me. I will never forget you, meant all the good I said, will miss you so much. Your memory will always be in my heart. Take good care of yourself.
Ill miss you too, truly.
I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye. But I know it’s what you want
It’s not goodbye.
That’s what it sounds lke. How can we miss eachother if it’s not goodbye.
Hell I dunno.
So if no goodbye, what are you saying
See you around I guess.
That sucks just the same. I guess there it is. And just like that. One day and you decide we won’t talk much anymore. Wish I had had some say since it directly affects me. And geez I really liked talking to you through the day. Got me through it with smiles. Whatever about the pics and stuff. Its you that I will miss.
It wasn’t a one day decision. It sucks for me too but necessary. I’m sorry.
Don’t forget me please.
I wont.
Me neither. I hate this.
It sucks to just stop talking for both of us. And we’re gonna miss eachother why can’t we just try the friendship thing and nothing else. I don’t like losing friends who mean a lot to me. Or is nothing what you want…
HEARD NOTHING BACK.
No response necessary. Un know what is best for you and I will respect that. This sucks and the adjustment will be difficult. Take good care.
at 10;55 a.m he wrote back:
i'm not gonna disappear....
I feel like you are. is this the only way to make me feel less distracting to you? I don't like missing you.
I don't know... I gotta try something... Unfortunately.
Suck factor 1000000000. Can't we think of anothe rway? I don't like this.
I'm trying
Trying to think of another way?
But veiled references and comments on fb don't help
I'm sorry I guess isn't enough. I don't know what else to do.
This is it then... just stop talking?
And it's what you want?
Haven't u ever had to do something you didn't want to do because it's the right thing? Trying to do the right thing here.
Yup and yes. but this time it sucks bec u mean a lot to me. I know u have to. But I don't like it and I don't wanna get used to this.
You seem to think its a decision that I made easy...
12:32 PM Not at all. I know this was hard for you and that makes me sadder. I don't wanna miss you. And I don't want you not in my life. Is it something we can figure out or is ur mind set?
NOTHING BACK...
** I don't think I'll hear anything. I won't text today. He needs to be left alone and I need to heal.
I didn't hear anythign back and I actually texted him at 2 saying that his presence was missed ... this was on 1.10.13. And nothing back again...
I'm good. I really am. I'll never text him again and have deleted it all.
at 10;55 a.m he wrote back:
i'm not gonna disappear....
I feel like you are. is this the only way to make me feel less distracting to you? I don't like missing you.
I don't know... I gotta try something... Unfortunately.
Suck factor 1000000000. Can't we think of anothe rway? I don't like this.
I'm trying
Trying to think of another way?
But veiled references and comments on fb don't help
I'm sorry I guess isn't enough. I don't know what else to do.
This is it then... just stop talking?
And it's what you want?
Haven't u ever had to do something you didn't want to do because it's the right thing? Trying to do the right thing here.
Yup and yes. but this time it sucks bec u mean a lot to me. I know u have to. But I don't like it and I don't wanna get used to this.
You seem to think its a decision that I made easy...
12:32 PM Not at all. I know this was hard for you and that makes me sadder. I don't wanna miss you. And I don't want you not in my life. Is it something we can figure out or is ur mind set?
NOTHING BACK...
** I don't think I'll hear anything. I won't text today. He needs to be left alone and I need to heal.
I didn't hear anythign back and I actually texted him at 2 saying that his presence was missed ... this was on 1.10.13. And nothing back again...
I'm good. I really am. I'll never text him again and have deleted it all.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
over
1.7.13
On friday of last week he said he wanted to meet this wed. the 9th. I actually considered it. This a.m. I sent him a text that I was looking forward to it ... he said he couldn't. I sent a couple of texts in the a.m. about his interest in keeping this up. Texted me back he got his ass handed to him... busy. He finally responded that he didn't know if he wanted to, that it can accomplish nothing other than heartache. I wrote back no heartache from me, wanted to keep it light/fluffy/fool around... felt something was different. He wrote back that he didn't want to fool around and plate is full. I told him I got it and asked what he wanted from me. Said just my friendship. I wrote back asking what had changed in a few days. I said I would miss him if he didn't wanna talk anyore and that he did mean the world to me. Said he needed to concentrate on being a better person/my relationship/my future and that he didnt wanna be. I asked what he didn't wanna be ... that he didn't wanna be someone who meant the world to me? He said he can't be my world. I said, figure of speech. That he meant a lot to me and I will miss him and that I honestly thought I meant something to him too but that reality is reality and I won't forget this past year. He said that no matter when this happened it was going to happen. No easy way about it and I will truly miss you. Last thing I said was that this sucks ass and I did think he'd be in my life in some form and that I hate that he won't be.
So that's it. I know we've been dancing around this since Oct... but why do you tell me you're happy to have me in your life one day then pull the rug out the next. It's done.
There are no more texts . 2012, this story is over. =(
On friday of last week he said he wanted to meet this wed. the 9th. I actually considered it. This a.m. I sent him a text that I was looking forward to it ... he said he couldn't. I sent a couple of texts in the a.m. about his interest in keeping this up. Texted me back he got his ass handed to him... busy. He finally responded that he didn't know if he wanted to, that it can accomplish nothing other than heartache. I wrote back no heartache from me, wanted to keep it light/fluffy/fool around... felt something was different. He wrote back that he didn't want to fool around and plate is full. I told him I got it and asked what he wanted from me. Said just my friendship. I wrote back asking what had changed in a few days. I said I would miss him if he didn't wanna talk anyore and that he did mean the world to me. Said he needed to concentrate on being a better person/my relationship/my future and that he didnt wanna be. I asked what he didn't wanna be ... that he didn't wanna be someone who meant the world to me? He said he can't be my world. I said, figure of speech. That he meant a lot to me and I will miss him and that I honestly thought I meant something to him too but that reality is reality and I won't forget this past year. He said that no matter when this happened it was going to happen. No easy way about it and I will truly miss you. Last thing I said was that this sucks ass and I did think he'd be in my life in some form and that I hate that he won't be.
So that's it. I know we've been dancing around this since Oct... but why do you tell me you're happy to have me in your life one day then pull the rug out the next. It's done.
There are no more texts . 2012, this story is over. =(
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