rollercoaster

the last week or 2 have been a rollercoaster with this sht.   still texting every day -- still sending pics back and forth...

last week he dropped a bomb on me and asked me if i wanted to meet up with him.  um, really?  i've been wanting that for a month and we decided it was a BAD idea because of what would happen... he's scared/i'm scared. but we both want to.

had hoped for this past saturday but his fiance was not working.  i was def disappointed...

i really want to meet up with him this week... he's worried about getting too attached but in reality he should be worried about himself, too.  we know this is powerful and wanted and meant to be..  he's worried that sex will complicate it more.  i agree but it's already complicated..

i tossed/turned all night wondering/worrying that he's not gonna want to continue this again.  it's like a viscious cycle, or a meeting with jesus or something.  after a weekend at home, sometimes he pushes me away somewhat...  and i hate that.

the fiance keeps pissing on him publicly.  on her f/b page she's changed all her pics to them --  his is him only.

on my birthday, he sent me a really sweet text REALLY early... Happy Birthday, beautiful. Have a great day :-*

Talked off/on all day and called at the end of it.  Def made me smile..

So this a.m. I'm gonna text something like this:

Hey =) Thinking about you over the weekend esp. after you sent me those pix on friday, my mouth still wants a playdate with your beautiful cock for a while and my boobs are wanting your hands on 'em. Can you get free for a bit after work one day?

Yes, I'm a whore.  Sorry...  lol 

** oh and ps... we did meet up on the 29th.  And had an AMAZING time... kissed a lot - talked... and more.  Nope, still no sex.  But it was amazing.  He was supposed to be out of there in an hour or so but we stayed for nearly 2.   <3 so much

8/14/12

Well, yesterday was fine.. normal. we texted about the concert and him running into hubby... off and on all day.  He called at the end and we talked more.  I miss him and I miss him in my daily life but something tells me it's slipping away.  I don't know why.  I really, truly, felt like he'd be in my future and for the most part I still do... but friends don't dirty text... friends don't call friend's boobs "lovely".

I actually went to sleep thinking of him as always and dreamt of him... and wondered what it would be like.  I told him that this morning and haven't heard back.  Either avoidance or avoidance, really.

I don't know what to do/think about it.  I just love him so much...  but I don't see it right now.  I'm sure he feels the same about that...  I wish he wouldn't marry her -- he always said he wouldn't be I get the feeling it's coming.  And that'll be the end of it.

Anyhow...

8/13/12

I don't know what to think... we texted back/forth on Saturday and it was fine... I asked him if he wanted
a pic and he said NO.  Not NO THANK YOU ... or MAYBE LATER.  Just no.  I felt awkward and stupid and I hated the feeling.  It was strange after that...  I mean when HE wants a pic or is feeling frisky, it's okay.  But when I offer one?  And you make me feel that way?

I've come to the conclusion that he's just not the same person.  at all.  I fell in love with someone who clearly isn't there anymore and I'm not so sure I matter that much to anymore.  At one time, he was doting and caring and loving -- read back in this blog.

He's turned into this hot/cold person who I don't know - and is keeping me holding on by threads.  I've got this man at home who loves me to pieces -- yes, I'm married.  Surprise.  But I'm not in love with him and I have no idea how to get that back. 

I wonder what the lesson is I am to learn from this.  I honestly thought he was the one.  I really did...  How do you go from being clearly in love and all to this.  I guess when it's over.

My husband ran into him at a concert and he knows who my hubby is... hubby said he said hello and he barely acknowledged him and was SHITFACED.  I think that's how he spends most of his time now.  And that's gross.

Today I wish he had never come into my life...

I need to let go.

further to this... i don't know why he still matters so much to me.  it's weird.  i mean it feels different deffinitly now, but...

i so hope he texts me back...

please don't be a dick.


He actually had texted at 7:16 and wanted all pix.  I sent them.  I am a dumbass....

Hoping/praying this is the start of something.  There's not much I wouldn't do for him.

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Had a good day of texting with him.  I'm starting with the obsession thing again, though.  And that scares me.

He sent 3 pix yesterday and a video ... smoking hot.  Flirting...

I sent 3 better ones this a.m. ... I have no idea where this is going.  But from going from situations like this
to him getting caught and nothing but phonecalls... to hardly any phonecalls but texts and back to pix again.

Is he fucking with me, universe???

He told me he loves me, to my face, and I believe it.  I know he still does... do you think he's leading me on?

It'd be a shame if nothing came out of this after finding eachother after all of these years...

Wonder what he'll think of the pix.

Really ...  so we've been texting almost every day... pix are being sent again.  he told me he wanted 3
from me and was specific...  I texted him this am and asked which he wanted first.  That was at 6:16 this
am. nothing back.  i know i'm paranoid.  i know i'm reading way too much into this.  but on the other
hand, i know he loves me and cares about me.

really, though, if he cared that much about me, he wouldn't be playing this game... back/forth every other
day. 

i wonder what i'll do if i don't hear from him all day... i certainly won't text him again.  promise.