things are going smashingly... dare i say it might be love.

many MANY texts in the past week...

* lemme break it down for ya ... i'm goin to rearrange some internal organs to make room for my cock... it will still feel good tho.
* we may have to go for a ride to the boat landing
* there is a landing over there ... just not sure how far ... but i will know soon enuf.
* call it "recon"
* the knowledge that it's been 19 years since #2 (about bj's and being #3)
** i try .. was looking at ur profile pic last night n smiling ... thinkng i was pretty lucky
I WROTE: i check our ur pics from time to time and smile .. so handsome. and back in my life. so happy about that.
* awwwww geeez lady!!!
I asked if he blushed
* no but that was nice
I said: well god. i'm glad and i mean it. i hope u r happy i am too
* absolutely
asked if i wanted to see the new sex toy
* pic sent of his tongue
* glad i can brighten up ur morning
I said: i hope i brightened up ur morning too
* always
talked a little dirty on the phone ... and awesome convo. several.
sent pic of fire
I said: that's hot.
*Literally
I said: where's my chair
* in my lap
I said: excellent... if i was in ur lap ud be rearranging my organs
* now ur getting it!!
I said: damn... ur making me go masterbate u know
*unless i c it... gotta take ur word
I said: oh u will see it. that i guarantee. are u asking for a pic?
I'll send one ... if u want
* Dare you!
pics sent
* More please!!! AWESOME!!!!
Sent more
*all of them. Soon it will b me
*ur awesome!!! and i am there ... sort of
I said: somewhat watching... i can't wait to feel my new toy on me
I have masterbated 4x today bec of u
*just once on my end. thank u. and ur welcum lol
I said: keep being sweet to me ... makes me wet and horny
* not a problem. it cums easy from me to you
I said: aww. wld totally be making out w u right now in front of that fire. and then i would pull ur cock out and be number 4, bec i will already be num 3
* atta girl
I said: lol. go me! lol... I wanna hear ur voice

many man pics sent all week. eveyrthing stepped up a notch. <3 swoon

home in about 3 hours; pic; hi... should be getting home soon. hope it was an easy trip back... ttysoon; home... i tried to send that pic last night but it kept failing; that was def a good pic! :p; 14 btw; when u off??..4?; now; call me ... spoke for 20 min. called linda back and got a text; i miss talkin to you; i missed talking to you too; pic; pic? (from me); i sent one; i know silly. i responded. do u want one; i didnt et a response ... but uummmm...duh??; yeah... i aid YUM duh! ;p hang tite..; i always do!!; hardee har har :p; sent pic; actually...i always hang right ... =-); clever.. pretty yes?; gotta wait a bit.. got company; not goin anywhere; yup.. seen it.. ntb...:-*

everything is fine... long story short. got a text from him at 4 asking me when i was out and to call. i did and we were great... just like normal. and then i got a text from him that he misses talking to me... we've texted a couple of times through the night -- things are right back to where thy ended off... no worries at all <3

he texted at 10:30 that he was 3 hours from home and then sent a pic... at the prompting of friends, they think this is getting really REALLY out of control emotionally and I have to agree. I'm brought right back to where I was when I was 21 with him... feeling lost, scared and sad. About a guy. It makes no sense... anyhow.

So I didn't text him back until about 12:45 and said "hi -- should be getting home soon. hope it was an easy trip back... ttysoon."

he texted back at 1:26 "home. i tried to send that pic last night but it kept failing". nothing else. nothing endearing like he normally would... no MUAH or :-* ... nothing. Am i reading more into that?

I texted back at 1:57 "that was def a good pic! ;p" and then at 2:35 "14 btw" for 14 days left until i get there ... haven't heard a thing back.

We never really talk on Sunday's ... it's usually a day where he's home with family.

I have this really sick feeling of dread in my tummy. T said some really providential things to me on the phone -- that this is just really out of control and I need to reel it back in or we're gonna be fucked in the long run. I need to listen to that but there is just some weird pull to him that I can't explain.

I'm dying here because he hasn't texted... do I text him tomorrow a.m. as normal? do I let it go? nothing has changed really, other than we had an amazing time last week ... didn't deal much with it other than continuing texting through the week. On wed., he said something about being afraid he was gonna hurt me and I was like, "why"... things are cool between us because we have feelings ... okay. So then he called me after work as normal and I said i was happy we talked and ironed everything out really... not that there was much to iron out. but... he called after he left his guys time and was clearly buzzed ... so I talked him home and we talked b/s... then he texted me at 9:00 asking to call ... called and we spoke for 1/2 hour saying he was full of shit about how he was wanting things to back up a bit, so to speak... great convo's. telling me all kinds of sexual things and how he was so sure of himself and what he could do... which is fine and usual. then the second he hangs up, he texts me that he could talk to me for hours.

i don't get it. T says that if we actually go through with anythign it will change EVERYTHING. if it's this bad after a kiss, it'll be INSANE after going through with it. I have to listen to her ... I have to reel it back in but how. I don't want to get hurt, yet I'm hurting...

How do I stop this?

worked out for an hour -- 60 min on treadmill. still out of sorts but better. if it's done, it's gotta be done and that's the end of it. fact remains we're moving there...and fact remains there are feelings. i doubt he's the type or sort to just let it fizzle ithout a word... i'm gonna do my best ever not to text today... i really REALLY want to around 8:30 to say have a safe trip home... but i know i shouldn't. i wish i had someone to talk to here right now. i'm that fucked about it. what is it with him...that's always been for 25+ years.... i don't get it. one person can fuck me up this bad through texting and calls.i wish i had something to take my mind off of all of this. i wish bella were awake... even fighting with her woudl be better than being alone in my thoughts.what if he doesn't text today? what if i go the entire day with nothing? do i text tomorrow a.m. like normal and be like "wtf"? i don't think i have the right, but do i? do i leave it alone and let him wonder about me? I was the last person to text last night telling him i was working today 11-4. i don't know what to do...i really hate my life right now.

went to bed crying ... woke up at 4:00 a.m. crying. i just cant get my brain around life today so far. i'm so fucking afraid all the time and i don't know what to do. the guilt is killing me sometimes. i don't want to cry anymore but i just can't stop. i'm anxious... i'm worried that things won't go back to how they were before the weekend... but i also feel like i should admit that do i think they should? it's a road of hurt and pain but happiness, too. i feel like i'm the only person in the world hurting right now.. i'm afraid i'm not going to hear from him at all today and that worries me. he's traveling with 12 ppl today ... supposed to be home by 1ish. i never heard back last night. why am i so insecure? why am i so hung up on this? why do i not feel like i'm worth it -- that i matter. i know i do to him. why is everything so hard right now. i feel like professionally i have this amazing opportunity in front of me... the chance to have a great life, but i'm scared... and deejo isn't supportive... that bothers the shit out of me. if i had the opportunity, I'd say: look, i'm scared. i'm scared at how fast everything happened -- how it all changed justlikethat. i'm scared that i wasn't even for a second looking for anythign and then *poof*, here you are. i'm scared that it's not worth it enough to keep going... that we aren't going to be able to go back... that things will fizzle and you'll be gone. i'm happy that you are with me... happy that we have this whatever it is, thing. sometimes i feel like it's a giant dead-end... which is true. you have your life, and it seems pretty fulfilled... mine is about to begin again. i'm terrified of changing this much... i feel like running away, yet you just got back into my life and i don't want you to go. i'm really scared at how attached i've gotten to you in such a short time. i'm terrified that my heart is going to get broken and that i'm not going to see it coming. this all seems way to big to handle right now but i can't have it stop for whatever reason. i feel like this is all just a big contridiction -- i'm scared that you'll not text me back. just at all. my confidence is shot today and i don't know why.. i was so out of sorts when you left because i knew we wouldn't be speaking ... yet you found time to send quick texts... i know you think of me and it scares the shit out of me how much i think of you. it's like everything has changed with us but nothing has changed in my life... please text me today...

VACATION COVO927 miss u too, hitting the road407 :-*830 kisses929 gnite... :-* .. missed talking818 good mornin ... imy21042 oh yeah247 do you know where i was one week ago?248 yup... kissing me!!!625 kk ... have fun ... b safe641 imy btw643 imy2643 xx830 psst855 psst!!900 imy and im buzzed and have glitter .. play?!901 would love to .... but ...903 yeah yeah yeah. imy. in ptown and want u w me906 send pic? :-p*1000 absolutely!!1001 u send or me send?1002 u send... i send tomorrow1002 kk.. give me 10?1003 ok.. batterys blinkingpic sent.1023 damn right i like it ... ttyl.. MUAH1023 :p got for u! xo930 good mornin... hope ur having fun940 hey babes :) i am and hope u r too. missing ur voice ... :-*1008 don't forget the pic today :p1056 it will b alon shortly... miss talking to you too1115 can't wait to see.. KISSES :-* 15 days til more kisses...pic recieved1148 so f'ing handsome.. i miss u more now :p119 pssst257 imy2322 hot pink lace pic or black lace pic. ur choice :p417 hot pink or none418 i meant nothing419 i gotcha ... pic now or later430 now2 pics sent604 thougth you said ther was 2??604 which did you get? there was..606 the soapy one? lol606 i'll resend the hot pink... lolpic resent606 thank you607 for?609 didn't think they had bras in ptown... lol ... very nice tho611 glad u like :) on our way home. u can see it up close in 15 days if you want612 i like613 good :) imy a lot615 we'll talk mon616 i know620 will u send me another pic? :p621 possibly later.. i'm not at the cabin621 be daring lol632 lol... not here ...633 okayyyyy... lo. are u home tom?641 sometime around 1 or so644 working 11 to 4 tom. yuck lolFeeling a bit sad and out of sorts... this has been the most fucked up ride ever. I don't know if I'm coming or going most days -- I've never felt like this... I feel wierd right now, like this is all gonna end sometime soon. I feel that the feelings are so real and raw and powerful and I have no control over them. I have to see this through.I have no idea if I'm gonna hear from him tomorrow or not. And that scares the shit out of me. I haven't not spoken to him for this long and I feel like this is gonna be it... and if it is it is... but this has meant more to me than anything in a long time.