Alright - I know I think way too much but there never seems to be enough time to talk about anything anymore, even though we text off/on all day, with a couple of calls a week, our conversations are usually about a whole bunch of random stuff.  I've been thinking of a lot of different things lately, though, and I've gotta tell you... Okay...

I look forward to talking to you and I think it's safe to say we both love it because we smile and it feels what normal is with us.  This is definitely not a normal friendship, though - and you know what I mean, and in a lot of ways it feels like we've been a part of eachothers lives forever -- you know me better than most.  I don't know if we can have a normal friendship.  I honestly don't know what it's like anymore to not have you in my day-to-day life.  But that said, it's a reality that's gonna happen, as much as we don't want it to, and how many times we've said what we want to happen and what should happen are two separate things... I'm realizing this reality and I fucking hate it.

I've said how much I'd love to see you again, but the reality for me is having to say goodbye to your handsome face in person, the one that means so much to me, for possibly the last time is not a reality I can deal with.  I don't think I could ever look at your face and say the words goodbye to you - can you?  It's almost easier to think that the last time I saw you was the last time I'd ever see you again, although that makes me really sad. 

I don't want you out of my life, but I feel like I'm grasping onto something that I can't have and what I wish I could have from you is something you just can't give me.  And it sucks.  What's the best thing for you and I?  I know we care a lot about eachother but you're right, I am gonna get hurt again because I am attached to you -- and as much as you won't admit it to yourself, you are attached to me, too. I know you care too much for me to hurt me, and I care too much for you to let you see it but it's gonna happen and I don't want my little heart hurting.  What do you think we should do here -- can you let me know your thoughts?

Eh

This is what I'm thinking of:

When do I never NOT say what I want to say or how I'm feeling...? I know you say I think too much - and I know I do, but right at this particular moment, you are on my mind. I just wanna go on record and say that, although I'm glad we still chat by text day-to-day, I am still missing you from my daily life.  We went from talking by phone nearly every day to once a week... It's completely different now -- and I know it's the way you want it to be, although I don't.  We've gone from actually being a part of eachothers lives to talking about your cock and my tits with a chat here and there.

I know we still matter to eachother -- but not even being a part of daily life, you aren't in my "normal" life and I'm not in yours,...

lightbulb

... it just went off in my head.  i re-read each and every post from this past year and CLEARLY this was more to me than him.

CLEARLY.

I got way to attached WAY too quickly.  He clearly meant more to me that me to him.  Period and end of story.  I do believe he cared a lot about me in the beginning ... But I think he got carried away with how fun it was in the beginning.

I'm done.  I will not text today.  I will walk away.  I have no choice and must find my dignity again.

11.14.12

it's been a whirlwind month -- i don't even know where any of it left off -- we've been babystepping back to a friendship that i have no idea what it is... he apologized for how he told me he had set a date -- it wasn't even the content of it that i was upset about. it was how he said it. i know he didn't mean to hurt me and i believe it. 

so the past 3 weeks have been normal texting as always - with one difference - no pix from him. he says it's becaause he can't. and on the phone the other day he said he ws proving me wrong because i said i'd give him 3 weeks before he'd start again... but still nothing.

there's a part of me that thinks he found a sucker in me -- reeled me in, through out the ily phrase...his fun little fantasy became a bit reality when i got here and then *bam* he got caught ... but did he.  Really?  I wonder -- bec if I HAD GOTTEN CAUGHT, hubby wouldn't allow me to be friends with this guy on f/b anymore. 

i do overthink things, but it's weird and makes no sense...

thoughts of most of my friends on this --

k - fuck him and go -- literally
lin - never speak to him again
d - stay away - he's a douchebage
lau- let it go - move on.
tra - fuck him and go -- should have listened to her

i'd love to meet up one more time with him.  but i think it's insane to do it. insane to want to do it.  he says i still matter to him... but his life is getting back to normal.  whatever that is.

i need to learn to NOT TEXT HIM ANYMORE.  again.

more later.