Still trying to wrap my head around the fact this is done.  but still hanging on - he still calls at least 3x a week -- but  i'm always still texting... and i have to stop.

it's clear things are completely different.  and i hate it.

i have to let go. i have to get past it all and get strong but i don't know how to because i love him.

i texted him that personal life was ugly, at the end of our texting on monday. no response.  made me feel really awful.  not even a sorry...

7/9/12

So I sent that email to him ... we chatted on/off on Thurs  and Friday through the day -- had a great
convo on Thurs... no weirdness at all...  I miss him. 

But, that said, it's still weird.  I hate to even say this because if I say it, it becomes out there and potentially real... but I do wonder if it's just completely done.  I mean, clearly if he wanted me in his life, I would be.  Something is different and has been for some time.  And I don't know what it is... maybe it's me. 

I truly think/thought there was/is something there/here.  I know we are back in eachother's lives for a reason... and I feel sad and lost.  But with nothing I can do about it, what can I do?

He needs to miss me and I need to not text him... and I need to stay off facebook to make him at the very least wonder.

I hope he misses me.

Will blog more... I need to, to get through this.

It's been really weird not having you to talk to every day - or nearly.  Although I know it's the best thing, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of you often and miss you.  The adjustment has been huge and honestly, I don't know if I can or want to get used to it - but again, it's the way it should be - I guess.  The loss of having you in my day-to-day life, however small, has been huge.
About the last conversation we had, I know the way I said things might have been harsh, although mostly truthful.  Literally was in a bar at the airport. I was frazzled and upset and likely came off like I was yelling. I wasn't. After getting off the phone with you,  the reality of the loss of you was huge and I didn't expect to cry, but I did.

I agree with you about the "need" to talk to you everyday - unexplained but it just had to be.  It was "normal".  I also agree we were put back into eachothers lives for a reason - what that is, I don't know.  But having you back in my life is the best.  Whatever this thing between us is/was, I can honestly say, without a doubt, I fell in love with you - I never would have told you first though.  We have a connection that I've never had with anyone else and doubtful I will again.  I got closer to you in 5 months than mostly anyone, ever.  And 5 months felt like a lifetime - that you had always been in my life...  

That said, I still can't imagine you not in my life -- a year from now or 5 years from now. And I don't know what to say or do about that other than tell you I miss you - I miss sharing stupid and silly things with you, talking about anything and everything with you, hearing you laugh, turning red ... just hearing your voice.  And it sucks that it should be this way.  You said what you want to happen and what should happen are two different things and I agree and I wish I could get what I want.

I hope we can talk today.